let's go back to your place.
​For money

Flex your wealth in front of friends, frenemies, family and colleagues by forking over a significant portion of it to me and I'll bring the party to you.  That's right, kids - thanks to this dipshit ripping up regulations, local authorities and my insurance carrier are now powerless to stop me from bringing a truckload of fire & loud karaoke anywhere you pay me to.  Hit me up and let's engineer a menu for your event that'll live on in legend or be mentioned only in whispers.  It's wheels-up whenever your check clears, moneybags!

Smoke monster for hire

Look, I'm happy to do your rehearsal dinners, mom's 60th, family reunions... whatevs.  But why be so basic?  Think of all the everyday situations that would benefit from hundreds of pounds of meat & a controlled vehicle fire.

• make a big impression at jury duty or, for bonus points- trial
• settle old scores with your vegan ex
• ruin your niece's Bat Mitzvah
• bait some Karens then engage in constructive dialogue
• show the tacky neighbors how to spend money well for a change
• lure utility repair personnel after natural disasters
• surprise your asshat boss by "quitting in style"

ORDER OFF MENU

Pardon the flex  #behumble  but I can cook anything on this here contraption.  We're talking breads, burgers, breakfast... hell, I'll make you ramen.   You have a favorite fish you don't see on my menu?  You wanna RFK it & bring me something you caught or ran over?  No sweat, big game hunter.  For all of you who just gagged a little, may I suggest caviar and some fresh blini?  Point is, I'm a fool for your lovin' & you put that chavo in my hand & I'll cook you friggin panda!  I got a guy who gets em right off the plane.