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KIPPERED "BAKED" SALMONLike bacon, but salmon - SERVED CHILLED |
UPTOWN D LUX
kippered in the finest cheapest well vodka available legally. Sugar cured & smoked in cherry & maple. Buttery smooth fish lubes joints & blows minds. Win brunch with some big Upper West Side energy
NOUVEAUXX BOUGIE
hey, big spender - cough up that legal tender. Open your mouth & your wallet for this upgraded upsell. Fresh salmon soaked in a top-shelf spirit du jour for a super-premium pop in the chops. Follow @salmonparlor on insta for today's booze & remember our guarantee: the extra X is for extraness
Deep woods
cured with Vermont maple, a Phish bootleg sound bath & blessed by a mother moose driving a Subaru. Intensive immersion therapy for those who genuinely want to reconnect with nature but forgot to pack an interest in hiking
Smoked fishSUGAR-CURED CRAVES FROM THE WAVES |
Weekend whitefish
fat happy wild fish from the Great Lakes get hotboxed gold in rich maple & cherry smoke. High in protein, a natural source of healthy fatty acids & an adorable Michigan accent
Pouty Trout
smile pretty & taste the rainbow trout. I won't tell if you wanna claim you caught 'em yourself on the socials
Copper chompers
a seasonal summer treat from the waters off the coast of Strong Island. These big bad bluefish are larger, louder & just East-Coastier than their Midwestern whitefish cousins. Catch 'em when you can. Hey!! I'm swimming' here!
Dark branzino
sustainably farmed, malarkey-free Mediterranean Sea bass. Flavor notes feature steely-eyed competence & salt
High beam sea bream
a sweet briny ocean fish smoked to perfection
Secular MackerEl
holy smoke! Frickin' tasty wild Boston mackerel all salty & greasy. Good n' fishy, too so maybe eat 'em out in the yahd, you daffy chowdahead
Think DeepFish, inverts & sea monsters |
Ironbound Shrimp
swimming in sauce & garlicky as hell Newark-style rugs. Challenge your Altoids to a fight or just enjoy some alone time
Cococurry Shrimp
warm spices & the freshest canned coconut with just enough heat to keep your mind on your business. All-time 3-point leader amongst shellfish.
Green Mountain Oysters
don't let the name fool you - I swear these are actually oysters! Fresh briny bites bathed in sweet local smoke. Sometimes oysters, sometimes ersters. Never testicles.
All Jake Crab Cakes
a Mighty Mound of Maryland in your mouth. Jumbo lump blue or swimmin' crab all smashed up just enough Saltines & mayo to keep it together. Once you have a real one, you'll never go back to deep-fried hockey pucks again
Glam clams
more than a buck, but you ain't no schmuck. Cheaper clams off a truck would probably suck. These are plucked from the muck, gently shucked and tasty as WELL. New England style stuffers are your new heroes on the half shell
Conceptual Ribscomestible alchemy, ergonomic grip |
Plain Jane
no nonsense barbecue benchmark. Dry-rubby, make-u-chubby, leave-yer-hubby traditional country-style crowdpleasers. Technically perfect, zero gimmicks. Aggressively basic & proud of it.
Dental Damned
hand selected local spares marinated in glass-bottle Coke & masterfully seasoned with fine herbs, spices & a buttload of Willy Wonka's freshest Nerds. Guaranteed to rot them chompers right outta yer face. Doompety do.
Red Sea redeye
cured with house-blended Berbere spice & fresh-ground espresso, these Silk Road warriors hump caravans of flavor from the birthplace of humanity & the ends of the Earth directly to your face. Possibly the only ribs that prevent naps
Kindest Rewind
for those who missed or miss the 80s, here's an arena-rocking tribute to my first BBQ love: Chinese takeout spareribs from back in the day. No fake colors or gloopy sauce. Made with secret spices, local honey & just a truckload of MSG
#45 (Bone Luc LaC)
your poor underserved American palate is gonna be skeptical at first, but fire walk with me. Local pork spares marinated overnight in funky fermented fish sauce & sweet sweet brown sugar. If you're into sweet & sour, just wait til umami's the plus one.
Flapjack drip
roses are red, violets are purple. These here ribs are made with maple syrple. Sweet & savory, cinnamon-sprinkled & maple smoked breakfast for dinner tastes like cozy pants by the fire.
LarrimoaN Curry
dry cured overnight in house-blended spice to achieve maximum masala in a sauce-free format. No need for concern, there's heat but no burn, Shirley and Laverne it's almost your turn! Nyuk nyuk nyuk
Hawaiian Munch
marinated in a stripped-down house-brewed Hawaiian-style ginger teriyaki. Island time anytime without baggage claim, TSA putdowns or White-Lotus-style drama. Mahalo means get yer own, mooch. Chomp chomp, chompy
Rudy got seoul
the funky fire of gochujang married to sweet jerk spices. Straight fire cold fusion you can lick off your fingers
Big pastor Al
pineapple & sweet onion will have you speaking in tongues & dancing in the aisles. Something between a religious experience & a fiesta for your face
Bad ombres
taste the painbow. A full slab rides you like the local from jalapeño to reaper with stops at bonnet street & ghost town. A makeup-smeary sinus-cleary eyeball-teary trip from mild to mild regret. Over-powered over-peppered big bads do donuts in your mouth & flip off your mom
Hole Mole
cured with warm spices, hot peppers & slathered in Chamoy. Rubbed with cocoa for a bark you'll wanna bite. Heaven on earth available now right here at your elevation. Might convert a vegan
Blue raspberry
before they got all uptight, voting away your rights, Boomers in the 70s loved their key parties, cocaine & sweet n' sour meatballs. Here are some tangy-berry throwback ribs because moving coke is hard & saying balls makes me giggle
Bagel box floor
there's an obscure yet blessed corner of the multiverse where the everything bagel craze has gone way too far & Ke Huy Quan is universally beloved. Spoiler alert: you're in it
S'creem dream
creemee-inspired candy-coated smokey bones. Conventionally attractive ribs spend the night in vanilla-infused maple syrple. When that sugar crash hits, you feel no pain
Old and in the Bay
party like Testudo & brighten yer moodo. Old Bay overloaded Inner Har-bones ready to jam up them pearly whites. You'll be a pickin' n grinnin' while you're wiping that chin'n
Killa chili lime
prime-time key lime gets the tarty started & piquant peppers bring some heat to the meat. A tasty two-pronged attack on your stomach lining. Allegedly based on an unaired The Office where Kevin puts chili on pie
Parasthesiac Panda
black vinegar, white wine & prickly ash ASMR for your mouth. A spicey-nicey tongue-numbing tribute to the lost art of shutting the hell up. You're tingling, baby. Go 'head, baby
Sausage Partywho doesn't love an epic banger? |
Tenacious Kielbasi
house ground local Vermont pork, seasoned & stuffed with genuine wock from Poland, these country-style wieska sausages have just got to perform. A tribute to the greatest schlong in the world that will blow your mind & elevate your cholesterol
breakfast beltbreakers
close your eyes and picture the best diner sausage you ever ate. Now they're a foot long. Now they're smoked. Open your eyes & pay up
BrisketBoneless slabs of greasy perfection for the glutton on the go |
Slow Rider
no gas, no crutch, no breaks. Big beefy briskets cooked low n' slow in kiln-dried maple & cherry hardwood. Taste the time, the give-a-hoot & the top-secret rub of nothin' but equal parts salt & pepper. Shhhhhhh
Paranormal Pastrami
the dogeared old photo reappeared in my life no matter now many times I threw it away. The only clue to its origin, a silver inscription: Bucharest, 1908. On the back was a recipe. By reading it aloud, I opened the gate. Heaven save us
Zaydes from hades
not yer bubbie's brisket, bro. Slow-cooked farm-fresh beef slathered in a handcrafted onion coulis made from the finest dehydrated onion soup mix currently on sale at the store
Mom's Stray Katz
New York style sugar-cured corned beef brisket. Pickled & spiced then steamed up so nice. You'll have what she's having, babyyy
Big bruce
a medically inadvisable portion of corned beef piled high on house-baked rye with mustard, pickles & powerkraut. Enough cholesterol & nitrite to take down two bull elephants or one dude from Brooklyn
Baby Bruce
slightly easier on your health & wealth, here's a junior varsity version of the Big Bruce for the sensible savage who wants to live long enough to see how much climate change is gonna suck
Chicanerylocal birds made with lots of love & salt |
Ol' dirty bird
dry brined, beercan-style smoked hens. You're gonna smile every time you smell the grease on your hands through at least Tuesday
Yardbird Sweet
oooooh, Mami. Tamari-marinated legs & thighs seasoned with five-spice powder & slow cooked in maple & cherry smoke
Band Camp Chicken Patties
inspired by the most grueling week known to teenagers. Hand ground local chicken imbued with Smitty's secret spices smooshed into patties & fried up crispy. Served with pickles atop a buttered house-baked brioche bun
Alpha Male Quail
packed to the max with protein and raring to get their huge salty energy right up in your face. But, at the end of the day, they know they're just tiny chickens. Eat 'em up!
Santa maria grillheavenly delicacies cooked in the sky |
Tri-Light Zone
submitted for your consideration: coastal-California-style garlic-rubbed tri-tip hanging high & cooking slow
Piranha Picanha
carelessly wander into a school of hungry friends or family with some of the Brazilian-style culotte steak-on-swords & you'll get the name
High Anxietee-bone
don't be nervous in the service. Thick porterhouse steaks swingin' in the breeze up on the high steel
Elevated filet
move on up to deluxe beef tenderloin in the sky. Filet mignon parked in low earth orbit til pleasantly rare & served on a stick - Renn-Fest-style. Forsooth, baby...
Poke a Man
ha ha, can't sue me! Tangy teriyaki-marinated flank steak kushiyaki on the jaggedest cheek-seeking sticks they make
Lambo Calribians
bone-in lamb chops cooked in the clouds. Skrrt skrrt
Ottoman Lambassador
spiced Moroccan lamb guaranteed to flip your fez & tickle your tarboosh
Delicatessencold cuts, treats & sweets |
Roast Beast
top round beef slow-cooked to a perfect medium-rare. Chilled, sliced deli thin & wrapped in duct tape so it's got a fighting chance on the ride home
A Loin together
a hot-smoked cold cut made from local pork loin rolled in Tuscan spices. Thin sliced medallions are like a summer romance in your mouth
High test turkey breast
low-smoked high-performance poultry. They're gonna miss you wherever you used to buy that additive-injected sliced trash. Sorry, not sorry
Matz -O- Ballz Soup
Why not? Vermont gets cold, there's lots of old folks. This feels right. House-made chicken soup with either Fluffy-Floater or Carbo-Cannonball style matzo balls
Cha cha Chana Masala
chickpea curry simmered all day in warm spices. You're gonna do a happy dance. Paratha or naan available if I'm in the mood to make it & you're super lucky
Stuffed derma
hot buttered pucks of spiced veggie stuffing fried up & slathered with a mysterious brown gravy. Plant the seeds for your plant-based cardiac episode with this savory, greasy OG ghetto nosh
onion string theory
it's too expensive to license Awesome Onions or Bloomin' Blossoms so I whipped up a Bloody Knockoff. Buttermilk-marinated shoestrings of crispy fried sweet vidalia onions. The high concept sci-fi name is just marketing. Multiverse!
Gizmo's Bane
whole heads of garlic smoked to smooshy perfection. Spreadable aromatic-awesomeness for sammiches, insufficiently delicious food purchased elsewhere or whatever you chew in the shadows
Baked Sweeti
noodle kugel is what happens when a cheesecake smashes a baked ziti. So if you love oven-baked pasta but wish it was loaded with sugar, try some cheesy egg noodles & cinnamon custard baked up with apples & maple. Clean energy, baby
Crispy Clones
light, yeasty inhalable donuts with a Krispy vanilla bite & Kremey finish. Your body can only absorb so much sugar & fat in one day so eat 'em by the dozen
hell's s'mores
a spit of bourbon-soaked medjool dates wrapped in local bacon. A diabolical & irresistible confection comprised of the four food groups for early death. Sugar, bacon, smoke & booze usher you down to the pitted despair. Mwahahaha
Good Petsalso suitable for bad kids |
Liver slaps
100% people-food beef air-dried to a snappy glossy brown chip. Finally earn the respect of your dog
Winner winner crispy skinner
an ever changing assortment of keto-weirdo & people grade fish skins air-dried and magically crisp-i-fied. Tasty chips that improve your health helpfully hidden away from humanity here on the pet menu
whoever smelt it
fresh baitfish snacks for your already spoiled fur baby. Wild Canadian smelt dried crispy without seasonings or salt for a protein-packed sustainable snack
Gently lowering the property values out here in Green Tatooine: |
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